LISTEN UP SINGLE NEIGHBORS!

The following automobiles are not allowed to park overnight in our common parking lot. EVERRRRRR!!!!!!No matter how hot your head-of-a-pin, drug-goggled pupils make you think he is.

-Camaros (even if it's that 'hawt yellow')
-PT Loosers
-El Caminos
-Trucks haulin' shit
-Utility trucks or vehicles
-Corvettes
-Any car manufactured between 1977-1984

Free Image Consulting

Bonjour Tout Le Monde!
I am offering image consulting services for free!!! I specialize in a unique, counter-image niche that focuses more on what NOT to do. I've drawn upon my neighbors for expertise in the following areas:

1). How to NOT raise your son to be the geekiest, nerd boy in the neighborhood.
2). How to NOT marry the laziest, most financially insecure, least motivated member of the male species.
3). How to NOT get an STD
4). How to NOT be a chain-smoker
5). How to NOT be the feature subject on episode of A&E's Horders
6). How to NOT drive down property values with your 'Little Tiajuana' exterior home & garden decorations.
7). How to NOT win friends and NOT influence people.
8). How to NOT get pregnant while unhappily married.
8). How to NOT get pregnant while single.
9). How to NOT get pregnant while in high school.
10). How to NOT fill out a Match.com profile that attracts drug addicts, truckers, felons and married men.

This is just a brief preview of the vast services I will offer.

Ciao for now!

Cake Baker

STD's on tap

Newly divorced Neighbor #1 is vigorously exercising her sex-tastic freedom by inviting men over for late night boo-tay calls. Not that she's bragging about this, mind you, her neighbors (namely Sasha) can hear the nocturnal rumblings. Still-married, long ago separated, but too lazy to complete divorce paperwork, Neighbor #2 opened her all-night revolving door a few months ago. Thanks to Match.com, her perpetual ;men hunt' has been exceedingly fruitful. Not quite as (barely) discreet as Neighbor #1, Neighbor#2 parades her men throughout the common areas and bombards anyone within her view with comments such as, "He has a boner but he doesn't want you to see it", or, "He has been here less than 20 minutes and we've already had sex."

The one mantra stuck in mind is USE A CONDOM!

The People in your Neighborhood

What's grosser than your neighbor making out with her Corvette driving, Match.com 'date' on the same day she has an infected tooth pulled out of her face, while her tooth hole is admittedly oozing blood. Not too surprisingly, I haven't seen the t-top convertible Corvette man's car since said incident occurred.

K, now your turn to tell a gross neighbor story. I'm all ears.

Gratitude-ish

Internet peeps. It's cheesy share time again;

I am thankful I -
- have Sasha, JD, Sofie and Kristof in my life
- do not live in Iran, Iraq, Indonesia, Indiana, Idaho and any other country or state that starts with I except Italy (oh, and the island of Ibiza).
- have a nose unlike Sarah Jessica-Parker's
- have never had to purchase adult diapers...for any reason
- have not been eaten by a T-Rex today.

O Negative

Sofie got her period! She's horrified (she is on the younger side).

What and where?

Thinks I like:

Cheese from other countries
Eggs from chickens
Cars from anywhere but the USA
Clothing from The Gap
Puppies from their mommies
Warm rain from the sky
Coffee from freshly ground beans
Coffee mugs from anywhere but China

Things I love:
Sasha from...I'm really not sure
My family from Utah
JD from....again, I'm really not sure
Sofie from a strange time in my life, when I lived on the west bank in Paris. Really, it was a long time ago (o.k., just over a decade).
Kristof from...I'd rather not get into that right now. I usually only discuss this with my therapist and my hairdresser.

The people in your neighborhood

I have a neighbor from Hell. I know, I could just move. Or, I could suck it up. I say there's a happy medium; it's a website where people can go to chat about their nightmarish neighbor, post photos or videos of said neighbor and gain insights about living in harmony with neighbors you despise.

For example, let's say your neighbor wakes up from her hangover, after a night of whoredom and alcoholic bliss and she walks into the public courtyard in her super short terry robe, her bed-head birds nest hair flopping about her face, to enjoy a nice cigarette. This would be a moment to capture on video and post on the website for comments, discussion, or even voting.

If this website doesn't yet exist, it soon will...

Here's the answer: Mafia Wars.

What's the question? "Why haven't you posted for like....two months?"

Manboobs. Friend or Foe?

What is more gnarly (by 'gnarly', I mean HOT) than boobs on a man with a moon-sized belly? Nothing, right? I know.

Let's take a closer look;


Yeaahh. Nice, huh?

Now the cool thing is that you don't have to seek out an old man football coach to get yourself a much needed dose of some manboobs. The younger, hotter, athletes are now sporting them too;




O.k., Phil, you were the second highest paid athlete of 2008. You can afford; a). a Total Gym, b). your own chain of gyms, iii). a 24/7 personal trainer, 4). a fitness-oriented personal chef, V). breast reduction surgery and f). a man-girdle for the upper torso. Or, for a more economical option, cut back on your golf training for ~30 min/day and swim in the spacious pool at one of your homes. Love ya Phil. Still had to do it. Take a lesson from Le Tigre.



xoxoxoxo!!!
M.C. Baker

Lip mutations vis-a-vis collagen injections

I am a closet fan of Alison Krauss....o.k., guess that's no longer a 'closet' secret. So, I'm like an old school fan. So, I see her on the Grammy's last night with Robert Plant and I think she has been abducted by aliens. This is not the same person. The old-school Alison Krauss was like a 'Rachel Ray' sort of gal. Always smiling...






And then she became a little more serious. She got back into the "Union Station" sort of albums, did a few more records with them where every other song on the album was backwoods bluegrass. Not my favorite but hey, that girl can fiddle like nobody's business. This is from a cover the 'turn of the century' Alison (2001). Almost 'Shawn Colvin-esque', minus the pills.




But the, last night, a more personality-less, but attractive, version of Ms. Krauss came up on stage to accept her award with Robert Plant. Only, he did all the speaking. I'm not sure why she didn't say a peep. I'm thinking she'd had some collagen injections that day and maybe her lips were still numb. But this new look? I don't think I approve! I want the old Alison back. The Robert Plant thing is a nice gig and all and it'll make her a lot of money but c'mon Alison, get back to playing the fiddle. Let Mr. Crunchy hair (sorry Zeplin fans) go back to his bong, his 'lady' and his house on Big Sir. Nashville's calling you, girl...

Whatever, Martha!

This is a television show that needs more accessibility. If you don't have the Fine Living Network, I highly recommend finding another way to watch this show (maybe Hulu?), especially if you're a little 'over' the notion of aspiring to be the "Martha Stewart" of your neighborhood.

Hey Governments!

I have an idea to reduce global economic problems. Each government should print more money and give it to the people. If people have more money, they will buy things (aiding retailers) and/or pay down debt (aiding banks/credit card companies). I know what you're thinking....if more money is printed, the value of the dollar goes down. That is why I'm suggesting that all governments (except perhaps in communist nations) print more money, say, 10% more money than is currently in circulation. Then, it really doesn't matter that the dollar goes down because the value of each country's monetary unit will have gone down equally. Then, once all the money gets redistributed back into the hands of the wealthy, do the same thing again (o.k. that's the part where I'm joking).

Yes, it's that simple. Don't try and make it all complicated and listen to Nobel prize winning economists, or go all 'Economics 101' on me. It could work. What have we to lose?