Dear Year 2008,

I think you have overstayed your welcome. I don't know of anyone who wants to spend time with you. I know you tried hard and maybe you can blame a lot of the crappy stuff that happened during your reign on George Bush, Congress and the Senate. Actually, I think you can pretty much blame everything bad on George Bush and Corporate America. That said, thanks for the good things. But now, it's time for you gather up your things, put on your coat and hat and make your exit....NOW! Don't let the door hit you on your big fat girlie ass!

35th Birthday Musings

I am about to be 35 and I feel lost, alone, and contemplatively shallow. I love contradictions that go so well together! So perhaps I should be thrilled to be turning 35, as I never thought I would be so old (or young) - it's all perspective... So I am keeping things small and trying to live each day as it is. After spending the better part of 35 years thinking about the future, I am attempting to simply think of now. After all, it's 35 - not 34 or 36. 35: Choose!
Sasha
Happy Gentile New year!

I want to go here

You can come too. All you need is a passport, some money and an appreciation for quirky weirdness. You will have to travel by boat or plane. Come see the loveli lakes.

It's not your average American theme park.

Uhm, my name is Timothy Turtle and I'm about to hurl.

For a complete review of all rides and a host of bizarro photos: click here.

Who would you kidnap?

O.k., all two of you who read this blog, let's play a game.  If you could kidnap any chef from the Food Network, who would it be? 

If you had asked me yesterday, it would have been a toss-up between Rachel Ray and Giada De Laurentis. I won't go into the reasons because this is an all-ages blog. Ask me today and I would say, Ina Garten (aka: Barefoot Contessa). I want her to come over and make this seafood gratin: (a teaser: a gratin of lobster, halibut and shrimp in a golden saffron sauce).

Now for the flip side of that question:  Which Food Network chef would you least want to kidnap and why?  My answers:

1. Bobby Flay. He can't make a meal that doesn't include habenero, ancho or chipotle peppers. 

2. Mario Batali. I can't decide between the sweat droplets cascading off the tip of his nose, into the pot or pan, or his trademark bare, hairy legs below the apron and the socks & Crocs.

We Built this Citi

Dear American Taxpayer,

Maybe it's just me but this has my dander up. I just heard the Rose Bowl is being sponsored by Citigroup. Er, what's that you ask? Why yes, that is the same company that received part of the $25 billion bailout. How astute of you to notice. Yes, I too, am wondering whose large arse they are pulling this money out of.  Oh, yes, that's right, they're pulling it out of our arses. If you want to be more pissed off, check out where Citi is going to spend $400 million over the next 20 years.  At the risk of sounding oversensitive and empathic, defending Citi's sponsorship, Mets CEO Jeff Wilson stated, "I understand that there is some upsetness (sic) in the marketplace, but we don't agree with it." 

What? 

This is o.k. with everyone?  

Bacon, part II

Turbaconducken

Not music to my ears

I have a bit of a problem I'll call, 'blog-lurking'. And since I'm lurking, I don't necessarily have a right to this complaint but I'll say it anyway;  STOP MAKING ME LISTEN TO YOUR FAVORITE MUSIC when I click on to your blog. Allow me to expand;  1). I startle easily so the unexpected noise (what you call, 'music') catches me off guard. 2). Nobody clicks on your blog to hear what's playing on your little poor-ass quality playlist.com pop-out music player.  3). When I want to listen to music, I listen to my music.  4). Keep you and your significant other's song to yourself. It's more special that way. 

On the family front, we found out this week that Sofie has to get glasses. Between the jaw brace / headpiece contraption and glasses, I don't think I need to worry too much about boys being interested in her. On a better note, she likes her new therapist and her psych doc thinks we have found just the right combination of meds. I'm not so sure. Kristof - as always - is a joy to have around. He's thrilled with the political direction in which our country is heading. He is still responsibly carrying out his paper route duties. He's just a great kid. We're so fortunate.

Sasha and I plan to take JD on a bird-watching jaunt later today provided it doesn't rain. I'm hoping to find a Northern Flicker. I got a long-distance photo of a Rock Pigeon last week and counted about 78 seagulls, 15 pigeons and a dead house finch near the side of the road. You never know where nature will show up. While at the Taco Bell drive through 2 weeks ago, I saw 17 geese flying in V-formation overhead.  

Sodium Supervision

Apparently cake baker is having hunger and/or craving issues. People rarely crave pork in and of itself. How can one think, "Mmmmm! A cute piglet, (that as a fetus - resembles a human), sounds so lovely to chew and swallow today?!" Sure, humans are ghastly creatures with a nonsensical need for violence and blood lust; so why the bacon tribute? Kristof and Sophie have NEVER had pork of any kind, as I, Sasha, do my best to keep our home Kosher. The logical explanation is that Cb may have a ridiculously low sodium blood count. Ladies, please take this as a warning: If you are craving something, like salt, PLEASE grab those Saltines and munch away!

A Tribute to Bacon

Bacon

Crisp, crunchy, chewy

Who can resist your robust flavor?

Oh, bacon

Mmmmmm....bacon

Tastes...bacon-ey

Not a good use of bacon

Bacon products from www.mcphee.com

Bacon Mints

Bacon Lunchbox

Bacon Bandages

To buy these products, visit www.mcphee.com

or click here.

Or, read this bacon blog.

Faux pas of the hairy kind

Dear Interwebs,

Why do women, usually the younger variety, think purple lowlights or highlights are o.k.?

Dear friend of Sasha's,

Why is it o.k. to let your already aesthetically challenged, obese adolescent daughter dye her hair with Kool-Aid? Is it because you won't let her get a tramp-stamp (to match yours) until she's 14? So you're giving her a break on the hair thing? 

Dear Hairdresser,

You did a kick-@ss color job on my hair 3.5 weeks ago. Where did the color go, such that my natural sh@t-brown color is now showing through? And also, too, can you get some new scissors that don't cause my hair to magically grow at 5 times the normal rate starting the week after you cut it? Or can you just move in with me and cut it once a week?

Dear JD, 

You need to go to the groomers. Will you take yourself there tomorrow? I can only only remove so much of the vomit and dog food smell from the beard around your mouth. While on that subject, please...brush your teeth. 

The First daughter

Sasha has learned that she shares a name with Barack Obama's 7-yr. old daughter. Not only that, but Sasha Obama is also a huge Miley Cyrus fan (as is my Sasha).  Kindred spirits.

New Gallup poll results from MSNBC:

68% have a favorable view of the new President

65% think the country will be better of in 4 years than it is now

I'm guessing the other 30+% are illiterate or don't have a television.

Buh

bye.

Baker

Gratitude

My friends, I am thankful because;

1. People who never thought they would live to see this day, saw their hopes realized tonight.
   
2. Palin's 15 minutes are over. 
   
3. I can go to bed knowing the race is over and tomorrow the world will have changed forever.
   
4. Our family does not have to move to Canada.
   
5. SNL can return to regular comedic skits.
   
6. The war will be over in 2009.
   
7. The redneck racists can now lick Obama's feet.
   

G-d bless the Democratic party. 

Palin charges Alaska $21,012.00 for kids' travel

Now that's a maverick! She's just gonna go after reform like a hungry Eskimo on a seal hunt. And when she's not busy thinking like a maverick, she's hanging out with Bristol down ta NYC at the Essex hotel overlooking Central Park, dontcha know?! 

Go Caribou Barbie!

Photo Op 1.1.0

You know when you're traveling and you get to your hotel room and do that initial inspection before you get completely settled in and unpacked? You visually scan the room, the bathroom, closet, shower and other nooks for personal items or bodily fluids left behind by the previous traveler. 

Oh, you don't do that? 

Well, you should. 

Our traveling partner found these soiled, adult underwear stuffed in an extra blanket in the closet. In freaking' Disneyland, of all places. I would expect this in Vegas or something but Disneyland?

Teacher's Shopping Weekend

Oh, I forgot to mention this earlier...I drove the kids to school this morning and dropped them off but about an hour later, they had walked back home. Kristof immediately dropped off his backpack and said he was going outside to play. Sofie mumbled something about not having to go to school for a few days because it's, "UEA Weekend." I checked the kids' school schedule and indeed, the kids are on break. The district calls it "Fall Recess". I call it 'prison'. 

Whatsherface's blog

I don't routinely read Dooce but I do catch up with it on occasion. I will not link this totally brilliant blog of ours to her 'whoop-de-doo' blog because, frankly, I'm jealous that this woman makes a living blogging. About what? Life. Nothing else. Just life. O.k., but this entry is freakin' funny. Who else can write this great shizzle, "...I'm just making fun of the Mormon that I was, the ignorant, intolerant, pig-headed adolescent who needed a big one up her pooper"? 

It's not that I have anything against Sarah Palin...

O.k., that's just not true. If I had to choose between cholera and Sarah Palin, I would choose cholera. If someone offered me a yellow/brown (wood grain) 1977 Ford Pacer Wagon, with a broken 8-track player, no cup holder and manual shift, or an all-inclusive trip to Cancun with Sarah Palin, I would proudly sport about town in my new (old) compact automobile. Offer me a fresh, bloody band-aid or a pair of Sarah Palin's soiled underwear, I would lick that bloody band-aid like an anemic tic. 

Props to an illustrator named Victor Juhasz.  To see the full article at Rollingstone.com, entitled, "Mad Dog Palin", click here. 

The Lawrence Welk Show

I am addicted to this little SNL clip, mainly the Kristin Wiig character Judy, Denise or whatever her name really is. "Is that bad? Dooo doooo doooo dooo..."  (to watch the video, click on this post's title and bear with the brief commercial).

Thank you for sharing my sick humor.

VOTE!

cake baker and I have been discussing the importance of voting with our imaginary children and our real dog, JD, all week. While it was nearly impossible to get Sophie to drop the razor blade and leave her room; she finally relented when cake baker whipped up some lovely peanut butter brownies! 

Kristof is wildly interested in the election process! His teacher reports that his Sarah Palin impressions are spot on and fabulous entertainment for those times when she doesn't feel like teaching. We are so proud of Kristof and his second grade achievements!

Sophie is now on her 3rd psychiatrist. This new guy has her on a colorful (literally) assortment of medications and told us to tell her that they are "candy coated" so she will swallow them. I think she is on something like Ability or Abilify,  Xanax, Ativan, Sonata, Lunar - something or other, Prozac, Cymbalta, and Thalidomide. I think that's it; but who knows??? I read somewhere on the interweb that many teen age girls cut themselves. Granted, she is only 9 - but she has always met important milestones very early. Smart kid, our Sophie!

Time to take JD out and wake Kristof up so he can do his paper route! We are blessed to have such lovely hardworking imaginary children and a real dog!

Oh! Kristof, we discovered, needs to have his forehead lowered. Apparently his forehead is abnormally high. We may wait until after he and Sophie are done with their head to mouth gear - but who knows? At this point, we could use the kid's forehead as a bulletin board! 

TTFN! 

Straight shooter

Over the weekend, Sasha and I went to visit a friend who recently had a family member pass away. We took Kristof with us but Sofie did not want to leave her bedroom. So, off we went to Judy's house. While she was talking about her loss and her sadness, Judy began crying. Kristof, in all his childlike glory, said to Judy, "Are you crying because you're ugly?"

Holy F--k balls!  I practically shat my pants as I tried to hold back immediate laughter. Fortunately, the moment caused Judy to burst out laughing. 

Street cred

You know how Sarah Palin lists Alaska's proximity to Russia as legitimate 'foreign policy experience'? It just occurred to me: my sister lives near a hospital. She could be a cardio-thoracic surgeon. So I shared this with Sasha and she has declared herself a golf pro because we live near a golf course. It's all about job creation...and such. Especially, and. 

The beauty of having a blogging partner

I wouldn't know. I feel like I'm all alone in this blogging universe.

Does not play well with scissors

Sofie (my imaginary, 9 yr. old daughter) has been going through a difficult time. In the last 3-4 years, she had developed terrible underbite. Our fabulous oral surgeon, Dr. Levi Mason surgically corrected her underbite last year. Little Sofie is looking so much better and her self-confidence is growing. There's still one hitch;  she still has to wear a headpiece that connects to her braces for at least 14 hours a day. The headpiece doesn't lend itself to a thriving social life so she's spending most afternoons and evenings at home, cooped up in her room. My biggest concern about her recent 'hermit' behavior is that she's been hiding stockpiling sharp objects in her bedroom. While tidying up her room, I have found x-acto knives, my shower razor, steak knives and my best kitchen shears. It may be time for Sofie to start talking to a therapist. 

I swore I would not keep talking about her

And I won't even mention her name. But this guy did not take such an oath. And he's my new BFF.

Sometimes sticky rice tastes like a little bite of heaven

Someday I will write a song about my love for sticky rice and I will share it with the world. 

For now, a haiku;

Sticky rice

compacted glutenous clumps

chewy and comforting

Things that make me laugh, otherwise, I might cry.

I ran a buttload of errands this weekend; pharmacy, windshield repair shop, liquor store, Big Lots (plus a bonus visit to Thrift Town and Family Dollar). You're jealous, admit it. I'd like to think that, due to my efforts,  I was rewarded with an afternoon of delightful people watching. Just for you,  I have recapped some highlights.

1. Croakies.  I defy you to find a woman wearing sporty Croakies who has never been to an Indigo Girls concert.
   
2. Rascal scooters, or its' competitor, the Jazzy. 
   
3. A teenage hillbilly girl (at Family Dollar) wearing pajama bottoms that were about 4 inches too long and BARE FEET. Imagine what your feet would look like if you walked through downtown Ogden during the street festival in bare feet. Then, you poured Coca-Cola all over your feet. Then, went to the rodeo (still in bare feet). That's about what her feet looked like. I'm a bit of a germa-phobe (gross understatement) so that was really disturbing for me.
4. A lesbian who adorned her purse (petite Timbuk2 messenger bag) with a Jackie Biskupski bumper sticker. Yay for gay!
5. A used shower chair at Thrift Town. Slightly discolored, with a bit of rust. I couldn't see a price tag but I was tempted to make a cash offer.

C'est tout!

School Dayze

So, I've been off to a slow start on this new blogging thing. I've been begging Sasha to build me a website or a myspace page or something to make me feel a little more important. She did it and then I became sort of gun shy. Truth is, between getting the kids ready for the new school year and keeping up with the political hullabaloo, I can barely see straight. Sasha started a new job so she hasn't had the energy to be very helpful around the house. It's 3:04 pm, Saturday afternoon she and JD are asleep. The garbage needed to be taken out 2 days ago. The bedsheets, damp from sleep sweat, JD drool and dotted with crusty Sasha nose goblins, could use a run through the washing machine. They stand in line behind 3 other loads of laundry. The kids are at the zoo with a friend's family and I'm watching Hurricane Ike coverage as if it's a movie of the week.

I need to rant for a minute about some things that just aren't right with the world;

• Sarah Palin. Is this all just a rotten nightmare or is there really a possibility that she could be running our country soon? I know, she's only running for Veep but we all know McCain is about to go to the glue factory.  

Please make no haste and go to http://womenagainstsarahpalin.blogspot.com

• The Pope. Why is he telling French Catholics not to be afraid? Of course they don't have to be afraid; they don't live in the United States.
  

And things that just aren't right in my world;

• Kristof's teacher thinks he has an 'attention problem'  (read: she doesn't understand his brilliance). I'm quite sure she's misinterpreting his lazy eye as a sign that he's daydreaming. He's simply bored. 
  
• Chronic urticara. It is both chronic and a mystery. 
  
• I attended the funeral yesterday of a good friend and a fine man. I will miss him. 

On that note, it's time to add some Malibu Rum to my coffee. You got a better idea? Bring it.

We'll start at the very beginning; a very good place to start.

Honey! We're up! We done got us a blog! What will mom say?